Hobbies

I need a new hobby, maybe crack. Oh wait crack is whack. Nevermind. I'll just go back to having no hobbies. I just might be the only person that finds that funny. Oh well.

Tattoos

Almost every person I admire and attempt to fashion myself after has a tattoo or two or three or four. I want a tattoo so bad it hurts.

Family

It's interesting when you think that you have finally made the baby steps to reconnect with your family again, how quickly they give in then give up. At this point I felt like I was able to maybe, just maybe, begin to immerse myself back into my family. Now granted I wasn't completely sure I should be doing so. Regardless I went ahead and made the first move. My baby steps were consoling. I was able to sleep at night knowing that I was starting to become a more well rounded person, thinking that maybe 2010 would be my year to shine with my family again. First I reconnected with my brother, who entertained the idea until my mom got involved, after which he dropped me like a hot potato, only to contact me through a friend of his for an ipod. How disappointing. I ended up talking to my mother, which was literally a tongue lashing of massive proportions. Our conversation was about how my ex husband was so much better than me based on the sole fact that he was rich. News-flash, he is rich because of me, not only did he use my credit to build his business, he used me as a way of staying in this country. Fuck him. And mom I love you to death, but you need to get over your self proclaimed fact of money = happiness, because it doesn't. Facebook was starting to seem more and more of an excuse to talk to family. I was able to contact a lot of my really close cousins. I was on cloud nine. Until now. It seemed a little weird to me that they would befriend me and not try to contact me otherwise. I mean my phone number, my email address, and my facebook profile were all ready to receive communication, but none seemed to come through. I shrugged it off as perhaps they just didn't know or care to use these modern communication techniques. So tonight I log in to facebook to begin my normal ritual of "cafe world" and digging through mutual friends of my family only to discover one of my nearest and dearest cousins no longer wants anything to do with me. She made it very clear by simply de-friending me. Well fuck you and the horse you rode in on. If any of this alienation is because of me leaving my ex husband, well you have to get over yourself. No one cares anymore. It's just so disappointing that the one person you thought would be the most mature about the situation has turned into a backwards thinking half wit, without an ounce of maturity. Give in then give up? I give up. It obviously wasn't a good idea to begin with. I guess I am immature to think that people get over things, better yet get over themselves. Naivety has proven to be my downfall.

Self Worth

Don't have much to add to the blog, except the fact that I have gained some self worth. Screw the people who don't think I have any.

Peace Out Mickey Mouse.

Respect & Admiration

Having twelve hour work days can take a toll on anyone. I on the other hand not only have a toll taken on me but also end my day with blisters on my feet and headaches of massive proportions. Tomorrow is another day as they say. So to all the people that have worked those twelve hour days. I bid you my respect and admiration for doing it day in and day out. ( That means you my beloved husband and you my amazing father.)

Happenstance

Been feeling better this past day or so. And I really think the only reason is because I have shut all the other things that drive me up the wall out of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. I cleaned up a bit and am looking forward to that point when I can say that my apartment is completely put away, clean, and ready to move to the next place. I have some new job opportunities that have just presented themselves after a month long hiatus of no information at all. I feel relieved that I now know what is happening and when it will be happening but it's bitter sweet of course. I now have to face the fact that I am extremely nervous going head to head with other people I don't even know, let alone care for, in front of a panel of judges. We shall soon find out if all my hard work has come to fruition or if I have once again fallen flat on my face. But you know what? Its okay. I'm fine with that. All I can do is be honest to myself about what I want and be honest with the people deciding my fate and hope for the best. I'm not going to lie or cheat my way to the top. I'm going to do it the right way. After all there is only so much one can do before everything around them is reduced to happenstance. Happenstance I challenge thee to show me your greatness. Don't let me down.

Work

Reflection

Learning to let go of all the things that I hold onto dearly is a very hard thing for me to do. My life has come to a standstill and I just want things to move on or get better or just end. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being inadequate. I'm tired of being a horrible daughter sister and intolerable wife. I'm tired of trying to cope with being a sell out and never really being an artist. I'm tired of never being recognized for all the things I do and all the things I don't do. I'm sick of all the things that are wrong with life. I'm trying to look for the good in things and have started to see fewer and fewer things to care or live for. I want to be self sufficient and strong but there seems to be fewer and fewer opportunities to do so. I hate that I am repulsed on a consistent basis by everything and everyone all the time. I'm ready to move on. I can't even write a good emo letter. I hate everything and am so depressed all the damn time. I'm sick of faking everyhing from hapiness to sadness to excitement to caring. I resent every decsion I've ever made. Why can't I just learn to be my own person. I'm so busy copying everyone and everything around me that I have forgotten who I am. I've turned into a hurtful pathological lier. I want to save the world but guess what I really don't give a shit. I just want a big house with a fancy maid a nice car to starve myself thin and the stupid posessions that feed the illusion that I'm a sucessful meaningful person. I just want to be labeled when all I've ever told people is that being labeled is not what I would ever want to be. Let's be honest. I'm not down to earth. I just don't give a shit. Living in this altered state of reality is so beyond what I have supposedly stood for all my life. It's another lie. It seems as though karma is back to bite me in the ass. But hey. I don't give a shit.

Chicago

Living in Chicago has always been a blessing, and I've spent a good ten years living in the heart of it all in downtown. I have always enjoyed the fruits of the easy access to public transportation and plenty of amazing places to eat and hang out, all within walking distance of each other. I watched Millennium Park get built, and then stopped, and then finally built in completion. There are few things that get under my skin, and one of them is the constant changing of the names of the landmarks I grew up with. First it was Marshall Fields, then Comisky Park, and now finally ( as if the previous blows weren't hurtful enough) the one and only Sears Tower is to lose it's identity. I am tired of living in a city of sellouts.

ARTics... by the Kids

Some great drawings by the kids while visiting this weekend.

Starting Over

So it's been a while since I've actually invested time in some of my work and I've started to feel like I've lost it. Trying to get past the everyday pushes and shoves to finally sit down and make something can be a very trying experience. Today I sat down and watched some of the podcasts on contemporary art and had all my suspicions affirmed. I have indeed fallen behind. There was a time when I was very emotionally invested in the art scene, yet today I find myself brushing it to the side. Well it's time to get back up and get back in the game. I no longer want to be the one wishing I would have done something about it... I believe deeply in the fact that if you don't use it, you lose it; and although I feel I've lost it I'm not willing to give up quite yet. Time to move on and pick up the pieces and make "art".

ANTICS

antics: 1: an attention-drawing often wildly playful or funny act or action 2: a performer of a grotesque or ludicrous part