Respect & Admiration

Having twelve hour work days can take a toll on anyone. I on the other hand not only have a toll taken on me but also end my day with blisters on my feet and headaches of massive proportions. Tomorrow is another day as they say. So to all the people that have worked those twelve hour days. I bid you my respect and admiration for doing it day in and day out. ( That means you my beloved husband and you my amazing father.)

Happenstance

Been feeling better this past day or so. And I really think the only reason is because I have shut all the other things that drive me up the wall out of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. I cleaned up a bit and am looking forward to that point when I can say that my apartment is completely put away, clean, and ready to move to the next place. I have some new job opportunities that have just presented themselves after a month long hiatus of no information at all. I feel relieved that I now know what is happening and when it will be happening but it's bitter sweet of course. I now have to face the fact that I am extremely nervous going head to head with other people I don't even know, let alone care for, in front of a panel of judges. We shall soon find out if all my hard work has come to fruition or if I have once again fallen flat on my face. But you know what? Its okay. I'm fine with that. All I can do is be honest to myself about what I want and be honest with the people deciding my fate and hope for the best. I'm not going to lie or cheat my way to the top. I'm going to do it the right way. After all there is only so much one can do before everything around them is reduced to happenstance. Happenstance I challenge thee to show me your greatness. Don't let me down.

Work

Reflection

Learning to let go of all the things that I hold onto dearly is a very hard thing for me to do. My life has come to a standstill and I just want things to move on or get better or just end. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being inadequate. I'm tired of being a horrible daughter sister and intolerable wife. I'm tired of trying to cope with being a sell out and never really being an artist. I'm tired of never being recognized for all the things I do and all the things I don't do. I'm sick of all the things that are wrong with life. I'm trying to look for the good in things and have started to see fewer and fewer things to care or live for. I want to be self sufficient and strong but there seems to be fewer and fewer opportunities to do so. I hate that I am repulsed on a consistent basis by everything and everyone all the time. I'm ready to move on. I can't even write a good emo letter. I hate everything and am so depressed all the damn time. I'm sick of faking everyhing from hapiness to sadness to excitement to caring. I resent every decsion I've ever made. Why can't I just learn to be my own person. I'm so busy copying everyone and everything around me that I have forgotten who I am. I've turned into a hurtful pathological lier. I want to save the world but guess what I really don't give a shit. I just want a big house with a fancy maid a nice car to starve myself thin and the stupid posessions that feed the illusion that I'm a sucessful meaningful person. I just want to be labeled when all I've ever told people is that being labeled is not what I would ever want to be. Let's be honest. I'm not down to earth. I just don't give a shit. Living in this altered state of reality is so beyond what I have supposedly stood for all my life. It's another lie. It seems as though karma is back to bite me in the ass. But hey. I don't give a shit.